skinnyguy

03:28 pm: Beth Marcum 1940 ~ 2007 Our cherished wife, mother, friend, and confidant, Beth Marcum, passed away in Green River, WY Dec. 6, 2007. Born Nov. 1, 1940 in Roosevelt, UT to Jack and Amber Muny, she grew up in White Rocks, UT until 1955 when she moved to Salt Lake City, UT. In 1955, she met and married Marvin Ackman. From that marriage, later divorced, she had two sons, Kenneth and Paul. In 1965, she met Jerald "Jerry" Norrington. From that marriage, later divorced, she had one son, Raymond. In 1981, she met the love of her life, Ira Marcum. Together, they built a life of love and friendship that few find. After her retirement for the U.S. Civil Service in 2001, she and Ira moved to Manila, UT where she passed the time hunting and fishing with Ira. Her parents, Amber and Jack, preceded her in death. She is survived by her loving husband Ira, sons Kenneth (Vickie) and Paul Ackman, Raymond (Dorothy) Norrington. stepsons Ira (Danielle), Mark and Shawn Marcum; stepdaughters Linda (Albert) Baty and Diane (Ray) Leon, six grandkids, numerous great-grandchildren, and many that knew simply her as "Mom". A special thank you to the Havens family for their love and support through trying times. Upon her request, she will be cremated and there will be no memorial services of any kind, if anyone chooses to remember her, she asked that you do it in your own way. Of the many gifts she shared, her humor, work ethic, and above all else, the love she gave were her greatest. Rest well, we shall all meet again.

07:41 pm: Mom died today. Details in a few days.

02:39 am: More on Mom
She's in the hospital again. Pneumonia this time, pretty bad. She was running a high fever, and coughing more than usual so my step-dad loaded her up and headed for the hospital at a high rate of speed. As soon as they were there, the docs admitted her into ER, put her on an I.V. of really aggressive antibiotics, and put her in an ice-water tub. A temp of 109 (not a typo) tends to make people just a bit panicky.

They got the fever under control, but it's too early to tell what kind of damage has been caused, and with her brain tumor contributing to that already, well, we may never know. For those who don't know, brain damage begins at 104. So, yeah.....

After she gets out of the hospital, she's going to a nursing home.

Really, the only thing keeping me sane over this mess right now is my kids and a good friend I only met about a month ago. They give me good things to occupy my mind.

Thanks to Suzanne, Lizzi, and Audrey.

01:17 pm: Back from Thanksgiving visit
Well, the trip to see Mom for T-giving was tough tough tough as hell. Pretty much tore me up.

Mom is now bed-ridden. She can't get out of bed at all. All of her muscle tone is gone, her voice is weak, her ability to process information is shot, she remembers faces but can't put names with them. She knows I'm a family member, and Lizzi is her granddaughter, but she didn't know our names. And she gets worse every day. The ONLY blessing is that is not in any pain.

I love Mom to no end, she has been my best friend, my leaning post, my hero, my mentor, my best example. I owe everything about who I am to my Mom. It's so hard to say this, but it's the truth. Mom needs to let go, stop holding onto whatever holds her to this world. There is no more quality for her, it's only time, and time is only going to take more of her away from us as it passes. It's better for her to free herself from the body that has failed, and embrace the soul she holds in it's undamaged and unadulterated state.

I love you Mom. I'll miss you when your body is gone, and I miss you now. But it's time for you to meet your own Mom and your sister and the others you've loved and lost over your time. I'll be along sometime, and you'll forever live and be loved in my heart, and those of your other children and grandchildren.

10:37 pm: Thanksgiving
I'm going to be heading up to see Mom over the thanksgiving weekend. I'll be heading south to pick up my younger daughter to take with me, and then back up north to Mom's. My older daughter can't go because of her work schedule, dammit. I found out that when the result of Mom's tuberculosis test come back, she's going to be going into a rest home, so she may not even be home for the dinner. We will be going up to see her though, I don't give a shit, I'm going to see her!!!

Got word back from a friend I'd been worried about. There were some problems, but the serious part is past, and any damage to our friendship done by other sources should have been repaired, so I'm relieved about that.

Good Thanksgiving to all.

01:33 pm: Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes.
Signed on my refinance on the house yesterday. It appraised well, not as high as I'd liked, but not bad at all. Refinance is complete and will go into effect for December. That's going to be a better money situation.

You sitting down Bunny? I've met someone. I've been trying to remember the last time I felt happy, complete, trusted, and trusting all at once. I can't. Some problems that need to be overcome, but they will be overcome, and if nothing else, I've got a damn good friend in her. There's more, that's for email to you.

Mom has been maintaining, no improvement, but not much deterioration either. I'll be going up to see her over Thanksgiving weekend, that's next week for my canadian friend.

I let go of Juli at long last. I don't care. Fact is, Juli let go of me long long ago. I already knew that, but didn't want to admit it. I seen her as my last hope, but there just was no hope in the first place. I had let go of hope as well. It found me again.

Bunny, I'm doing GOOD!!!!!!!!

01:39 pm: Unusual weekend
I had a pretty damn good weekend. I have some things to think about, things to do, and things to wait on. But I have some things to remember, too. And they are good things.

House is getting appraised today for my refinancing, I didn't get the cleanup done that I wanted to do, but at this moment, I'm not really caring. I feel good about what the appraiser is going to say.

02:37 pm: Settlement, at last
Went over to the bar last night, and "Cassie" was there. I've seen her car there before when she wasn't in the bar, so I didn't think anything about it being there. She was there, or she wasn't. She was.

I went over to the bar and got a beer and while I'm sitting there, she comes up behind me and says hi, and we start talking. We were both pretty apologetic. She assured me that she doesn't hate me, she likes me a lot (paraphrase), and she's been worried about me. She just got out of a really shitty situation in her personal life, and in dealing with that, she really didn't have the time to work out things with me. I'm guessing that I was one too many things to handle at that point, but it's all good.

Turns out the reason she kidnapped me for the other bar was to get me out to meet MORE people, something I'm not really good at, but she didn't know that, and it backfired. With the stresses I've been having, I just blew up and started yelling at her and everyone around me. I told her it wasn't her fault, but she's still feeling bad about the way things happened. So am I.

We agreed that it is now in the past, we move on from here, the friendship continues, and she and I have a new idea of the people we are dealing with in each other.

She told me that I can drop by her house anytime, and I told her the same, I just needed to remind her of my address. Will we do that? I don't know. But I'll be dropping in to her bar on occasion, and won't be avoiding going to my hangout if I think she might be there. In fact, I'll look forward to it.

I know she's got a boyfriend, or at least a major male figure in her life, which leaves me out of that scenario and that's fine. That's not what I was lookin at anyway. She's happy. That's something she hasn't had in a long time, I don't want to fuck that up.

So to "Cassie", again, I say THANK YOU!!! You have eased a pressure in my heart and my head, We're copicetic, all good, cool with each other and not mad or upset anymore, and we're friends. I like that. **hugs to you**

12:58 pm: Stuff
Well, I decided to start going back over to the bar this week. There are a couple of people there that I really wanted to see, and I've come to the conclusion that the problems that happened a month ago are not going to be addressed, so be it. But I'm not going to put myself out for the comfort of somebody else.

This past monday, I met a gal there who is pretty fun, not married, we shoot pool at about the same level (badly), has a great sense of humor and, like me, needed a friend. We hit it off immediately.

There are some problems there, which are hers and not for public display, but they are pretty serious. Her problems will prevent her from being there very often at all, and they may even force her to move out of state. I told her not to let the problems she's having from her outside environment force HER into doing something she doesn't want to do, but her money situation may trump her decision. So, time will tell.

As for last months problems, only ONE thing has been asked of me, why I'm thinking that a friend has ended up hating me. The person let me know that I'm not hated, and wondering why I would think that. I let them know why on wednesday, but there has been no reply yet, I don't know whether to expect an answer or not, could be that my answer is being pondered, could be that I just fucked up too big, could be I was right after all, could be none or all of the above. Again, time will tell. At this point, it is just not in my hands anymore, I've done all I can, maybe too much.

No recent updates on Mom.

03:40 pm: I just don't understand
I'm trying to figure this out, I can't. I've thought about it a ton, and I'm just at a loss.

I had posted earlier about the problems I caused with "cassie". Yes, I FUCKED UP!! I guess that night convinced her that I wanted more from her than she was willing to give. I know I fucked up, didn't handle things well at all, but when I tried to fix it, when I tried to explain what happened in my head when I fucked up, well, I fucked up. It convinced her that I'm now stalking her.

Well, I'm not stalking her, and all I expected from her was to be a friend, and NOT a bed-buddy. NOT a girlfriend. I just want to try to fix things.

I guess she's not willing. I want to get together with her, somewhere safe, neutral territory to talk this out, and at NO TIME, not since it happened has she been willing to talk to me.

All I want to do is find out what I did that made her hate me, besides caring about her. I want to know what's going on in her head, and I want to let her know what is going on in mine. MAYBE that would fix things, maybe not, but I want to try.

What I can't figure out is why she would rather go through her life being paranoid of a harmless skinnyguy rather than either fix things, or put a lid on the coffin and bury it.

12:01 am: Happy birthday Mom
In honor of your birthday today, your picture is up on my My Space page. I love you so much, and I miss you.

11:55 pm: Losing a friend
Losing a friend is never easy, over the past two weeks, I've lost 3. One is my fault (Cassie), one is her fault (Juli), the other just happened (Mom).

Sometimes, I hate life.

05:38 pm: Me update
Well, it's been a pretty tough two weeks for me. Far and above anything else is Mom. In addition, there's the happenings I've posted here recently, plus, in no particular order, money, my youngest daughter, the job, giving up on some tangible items and a hope that went together, and giving up hope of finding someone to take this loneliness away.

Yesterday, I called the bartender (let's call her Sandy) I spoke of in my long entry here. It was a dead night at work for Sandy so I went over to talk her, explain what happened that night, why I went off on her, and how I could fix things with her and the lady I went to the other bar with (call her Cassie), if it was possible. Sandy heard me out, gave me her input, agreed with me that I was wrong, and I really fucked up with that Cassie. She told me what was happening with Cassie and herself and how I could at least stop things from deteriorating further.

One of the things was I need to back off on Cassie. I guess I was freaking her out with trying to get hold of her to apologize, and explain what happened in my mind. I called her at the bar once, she didn't want to talk to me, but I pressed the issue, and she took the call. I messaged her on MySpace, finally, I wrote her a letter, and took it to her where she works. She was further freaked out by the letter. SHIT!! I wrote it with the intent of letting her know where I was in my mind, and to EASE her mind. I even closed with the fact that I would not be contacting her again until she told me I can.

It would seem that she felt I was expecting more than she was able to give. Well, that's happened before (for those who know, Janine). I haven't handled Cassie any better, even with 25 years of thinking and experience after Janine. The situation here IS different, EXTREMELY so. The only thing I expected from Cassie was friendship. MAYBE something later could develop, but that is so far down the road it's not worth thinking about, so I didn't. I did feel a connection with Cassie, though. From the moment we met, we just clicked, that is why I am so freaked out about losing her friendship. I don't have enough friends, and I thought I could have a CLOSE friend in Cassie.

Even though I digressed, I felt the need to include that info to illustrate the fact that when it comes to women, I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SUCK!!!!! And that is why I am destined to lead a life of solitude and loneliness. THAT is the letting go of the hope of finding someone that I spoke of in the first paragraph.

Anyway, Sandy told me of some things I can do in a couple of my situations. I hate to say that I literally laughed out loud at one of her ideas though, she told me that I need to wait for a quality woman to come into my life. HOLY FUCK SANDY, it's been over 10 goddamn years!!! Wait?? Sorry, waiting is overrated. Looking hurt more than being lonely. No more waiting, no more hope.

Digressed again, the bottom line is, though little was accomplished in our conversation, save the fact that I saved the friendship with Sandy, I feel better for having unloaded. I actually have MORE stress over Cassie now, seeing the effect my attempts at trying to explain things and the explanation I gave her freaked her out more than the situation that started it out in the first place.

The other things are things that I mentioned are very private, or of no major consequence other than the fact that they are adding to my stress levels and the way I'm handling things. So I'll be going back into my self-imposed exile again, I will go over to the bar to see Sandy on occasion, when Cassie isn't there, until I get the OK from Cassie that she knows where I'm coming from.

One other thing that has helped is I've been in contact with a lady I knew in elementary school. She took me out to lunch last week, and we just talked. She took some of the Mom stress away and let me know how things are going with her. It just helped to talk, about whatever. It helped A LOT. Thanks Coy. I owe you.

06:14 pm: Mom update
Mom is out of the hospital. That's way good, the docs got her appetite back, and she was eating pretty just before they discharged her.

The cancer, however, is just as healthy as it ever was. The tumor in her brain is getting bigger. She's confused, doesn't know what year it is, sometimes doesn't know the month. She argued about the year earlier today.

So Mom is basically gone, and there is this occasionally coherent lady who would kill for a cigarette in her place. When we got her to my brother's house, she wandered for almost 2 hours looking for some cigarettes and a lighter. She ran out of gas and sat down on the couch, I told her about our new kitty, Luna, and she didn't ask any questions about how Windy was getting along with her or her playfulness, things that she would have asked a year ago.

Mom is gone, and I miss her.

02:07 am: Plans for the next few days.
I have the next few days off, ok, it's 6 days including the weekend, so I'm going to be spending some time with Mom. Doing a few things I need to get done, waiting on a phone call that I don't expect to come (but I hope I'm SOOOOO wrong), stuff like that.

I hope to use some of the time to clear my mind, do some shooting, and get my shit together. Doubt it will work, but hey, it's worth a shot.

10:12 pm: Couple of things...
The night that i made my previous entry, the point of my previous entry was driven home like a railroad spike. I went over to the bar i've been hanging out in, and a lady i know was there. I like her, she's pretty neat, has a great personality even when she's drunk, always smiling, easy to talk to, really proud of her kids, married, 13 years younger than me, and as pretty as the day is long. She was talking to some other guy, which was fine. I pulled up a stool and ordered my beer. About 10 minutes later, she hollers HI to me, then comes over and tells me that she's going to kidnap me, take me to another bar up the street and buy me a beer, I tell her, "ummmm... ok??"

Well i finish my beer and off we go to the other bar. To make a long story not quite as long, she spent MAYBE 2 minutes talking with me. The rest of the time she was talking to other people she knew. At one point, seeing that i was looking quite upset, she asked if i was ok. I told her point blank, "NO." Well she ASSUMED that it was because I was in an unfamiliar bar, and we'd head back to the other bar, but it was because she kidnapped me, then ignored me. THAT is why i was fried. Then, the guy sitting behind her sticks a picture on a cell phone into her face and starts talking to her again, and i was forgotten. By now, I am seething angry. Now before this, there was something she said, and a couple looks I couldn't decipher, but those are private and really don't bear on the situation. But they did add to my confusion as to WHY she's ignoring me.

well, we FINALLY get out of there, Now understand that she doesn't walk well because of a medical problem, so we're heading down to the original bar, she stops at a big ol' dodge pickup owned by the cell phone guy, and says "we're getting in here". I say "no, YOU are getting in there, i'm going home.". So she ends up walking to the other bar with me, cell phone drives over to the bar while i am totally fucking up the explanation as to why I'm so pissed off. I end up yelling at her, but not because of her. It's because of the whole "Paul don't matter" shit I've been dealing with, but I can't or don't tell her that, because my thought processes are so fucked up. But she takes me back inside, lets me go, and heads for the bartender who I've known for years. She tells the bartender she's got a problem here, and then explains it to her, then goes outside to the dick in the dodge to talk to him. So, I yell at my friend the bartender, tell her I can be ignored anywhere as well as I can be ignored here, so i'm out of here and i'm not coming back.

I haven't been back. I haven't heard from either of them in a week. But i feel really shitty about the way I explained things, or DIDN'T explain them as it were, to my "kidnapper". Well tonight, I was able to get hold of her and let her know that I really want to tell her that I handled it badly. I need to get some time with her to explain myself. She has my number and she SAID she'll call me. I sure hope so, I don't want to lose the friendship, because there IS one there. I don't want her to hate me, or distrust me, or to be angry at me, and I think at least ONE of the above might be happening, goddammit.


I'm not sorry for being pissed, but I AM sorry for the way I handled it. The bartender, I expected her to call me. She hasn't, so I don't know... I just don't fucking know.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Now the other thing. Mom is in the hospital. She went into the ER this morning. When Ira (her husband) tried to get her up, she woke up ok, but wouldn't talk, wouldn't get up, was lethargic and just not NORMAL. Ira called an ambulance, and they started looking her over, and found out her blood sugar was at 30. For those not up on diabetes, that's CRITICAL bad. Well, they got some sugar into her, and when she reached 50-something, she eased out of her "trance", and was able to communicate and move around.

Ira called her doctors that are dealing with her cancer treatments and they told him to get her to an ER, and get her blood sugar evened out, and worry about the treatments later. Well, they weren't able to get her sugars and sodium up to acceptable levels, so she was admitted. While she was in the ER, she'd try to get up and move around, but she didn't know where she was, what she was doing, and just really having a hard time comprehending her surroundings.

I went over to see her and she knew who I was, and asked, "Well hey there stranger, what brings you up here?" 'Up here' is the phrase she uses for home, NOT Tooele, where she is now. I tell her "YOU!" and she says "Well GOOD!" I ask her how she's feeling and she says "rocky". I don't know that I've ever heard her use that word as a description of how she feels. I expected SHITTY, and told her so, and she says "yeah, that too." I said a few more things and she just zoned out, she looked at me like she should know who I am, but couldn't figure it out, and then she fell asleep, just like that. Ira asked if she was sleeping again, and she opened her eyes, but didn't say anything, I was sitting next to her on the bed, and laid my hand on her leg, and she slid hers under mine for a moment, then it slid away again, and she was asleep.

Ira told me how things have been going the last month. Fuck me, it's getting bad. To shorten this up, (like it makes a difference NOW, right?) the tumor in her brain IS cancerous, it is enlarging, it's causing all sorts of weird shit with memory and pain signals, etc. and it WILL take her life. Right now, all we can do is help her as best we can, hope she pulls out of this most recent turn of confusion and lethargy, which IS being aggravated by the blood sugar situation, and gets something close to normal back for the rest of her time.

01:50 pm: Feeling like I don't matter
Ever since I was 9, I've been treated like I don't matter. My first step-dad started it and it's been going ever since. Recent times are just reinforcing what I already know.

What is happening is I've not been processing things in my mind well, I'm stressed, I'm lonesome, I'm lost, and I have to let go of some things I don't know how to let go of, mental and physical.

People SAY they want to hear what the fuck is going on, I START to tell them, they interrupt and tell me what THEY are thinking, what THEY are going through and I'm forgotten. I get a few sentences of a book full of emotions stated, and either the person I'm talking to literally gets up and walks away to go talk to a younger and cuter guy or someone else decides to stick their (figurative) dick between us and pry us apart like a crowbar, and I'm the one left with my thumb up my ass, with one more thing to process.

I fucking feel like crawling back into my self-imposed exile and just not seeing anyone ever again. I need someone to lean on, I need someone to lean on me, and all I get is more of exactly what I have when I'm locked away safe in my home - that being a big fat nothing, but out in the world, I just get sand kicked in my face, by friends and foes alike.

And it SUCKS!!!!!!!!

01:10 pm: Just updating
Well, let's see.

Mom's getting worse, her cancer is spreading. She has a lump under her arm, x-rays show a lump in her brain. Doc wants to start radiation, but there are inherent problems, like the radiation causing brain damage. Joy.

Liz will be moving out next weekend. She'll be moving in with her boyfriend, and she's talking marriage. I tried to tell her she's just too young (18) to be thinking marriage. Time will tell.

I'm in some pretty good money hurts. I have enough to pay bills, but eating would be nice, gas for the truck would be good without having to resort to my overextended credit cards. I'll be starting a weekend job as soon as there is an opening for the weekends. Cashiering at a convenience store. I thought I was done with that shit 15 years ago. Guess not.

This lonliness is eating me alive. I've started going to a bar here in town to be around some people who are a little closer to my age, maybe meet somebody. I have met a few ladies, problem is I am no competition for the male sluts who go to bars, and the gals who haven't been pulled out of there by their nipples by the sharks are so damn drunk they don't remember me when I see them in a store somewhere. That is a tested theory by the way.

So what do I do? Just keep on keeping on, I guess.

01:26 pm: not much new
i'm still here... not much has changed... suzanne moved back in... that's good... mom's hanging on ok... some stuff has happened but nothing i feel like talkin' about at this moment... takes too long is the only reason....

02:21 am: i hate my weakness
Wanted;
NEEDED;

One set of working testicles

Must fit 43 year old skinnyguy who obviously doesn't have the balls he needs to make him say what needs to be said to those who need to hear it.

call 1-800-dumb-fuck and leave a message.

yeah... that's how i'm feeling right now... i'm so mad and disgusted with myself right now that i honestly and literally almost threw up earlier today...

here's what happened.... it's about 4:30... one of the guys i work with and i decide to head over to the store and grab some stuff to munch on... we go in and i head over to the coffee and grab myself a cup... i finish that and walk around the corner to go over to the munchies and there stands juli in the checkout line... of all the people i really do not want to see at this point in time... i think she's in the top 3... if not at the top....

well... all i can do is say "well hey there juli"... she reaches out to give me a one-handed hug... cuz of the stuff she's carrying.. and i respond in kind... i tell her it's been a long damn time... and she says "yeah... couple of months at least"... i just look at her and say "it's been more than that".... she says... "well it was around august"... i shake my head and tell her "no... try march"... she says "it's been THAT long??"... and i just nod... then she asks why i haven't called her... i tell her cuz i never know when her boss is right behind her or one of her co-workers or when she's with a customer... she says to call her anyway.. just to say hi or something... then she asks about mom... i tell her what i know minus the glaucoma stuff... then she tells me to call her again and like a dumb fucking fool... i tell her ok.... i head off to find my munchies and she turns and starts talking to a guy she knows who's been standing in line behind us... i get my stuff and get in the end of the line... she checks out and says to call her... and i say ok....

now... i've wondered for some months what i would do... what i would say... how i would act if i ran into her someplace in town... well now i know... hell i SHOULD have known... but i didn't - - i have envisioned telling her that the goddamn phone lines run in BOTH fucking directions... you know where i live... the note and the check you mailed prove that... but you don't stop by... and you know i don't have a jealous roomate/lover/girlfried/significant other living here... and i don't know that about you... do i???? and if you want to know how my mom is doing... fucking ASK... and while i'm at it... where are the deliveries on all the promises you've made me??? things like... i'll get my phone hooked up cuz you're gonna need someone to lean on while you're mom is sick... and when i quit this job... i'll keep in touch with you... and if you need to try some sort of medication... i'll help you get it... ok... that one... you DID do for me... ONCE... i guess it's a good goddamn thing i decided NOT to try that medication... cuz if i'd depended on you to get it for me... i'd be pretty well fucked right now... wouldn't i???... and what about the money you owe me???? cut back on the goddamn ebay for bit and PAY UP... 20 bucks every couple of months to the credit card just ain't cuttin' it sweetcheeks.... you OWE me fucking BIG - don't you think???

all that and MORE MORE MORE i have envisioned... but i've never visualized standing there like a little whooped puppy dog and fucking near asking for MORE abuse... but that is EXACTY what i did... i guess i am the pathetic little worm i said that she showed me that i am to her in an earlier post... fuck i hate myself sometimes... so yeah... i'm gonna quit waking up in a good mood... cuz every time i do... some fucking shit like THIS happens... it's easier just to wake up grumpy and pissed... saves time...

anyway... on to a bit of decent news... on thursday.... liz and i are heading up to see mom and dad for thanksgiving... suzanne isn't going to be able to go cuz of her work schedule.... dammit... but i'm going to try to get a few days off between thanksgiving and christmas to get suzanne and liz up there to see her together... since most people don't ask for time between the holidays but rather on the holidays... i don't know how that will work... considering that we don't have subs for the people that are gone now... but i really really want to make it with both kids in tow...

guess that's it for now... i'm out